I have been walking the path of transformation, I am on a journey of transition from being a Patriarchal woman into being an Adult Woman. I feel the fire within me, and I have enough to share.
My experience of becoming an Adult Woman doesn’t come from an intellectual body and I fear I don’t have a vocabulary to depict my journey and the ‘other knowing’ using words.
It rather comes from what I would call the 6th body, a multi-dimensional body, that connects me with my ancestors, with the time million years ago when I created everything, with my intuition and knowing, with the rhythms of Pachamama, with synchronicities and subtle energies. And I can only feel the ecstasy of feeling it all, in the body and spirit of a Woman.
It is reclaiming the power of my anger that initiated my journey out of being a Patriarchal woman into a new path of serving Gaia as a new Earth Woman.
As I started my anger initiation I could see more clearly what my position is as a woman in patriarchy. I could clearly see the game I started playing since I was a child trying to be my father’s good girl. I learnt that if I have emotions like my mother I will be ridiculed and then left alone. I learnt that I will be loved if I agree to believe in what my father and society preached: education, job, marriage, money, security. I learnt how to use masculine qualities like intellect, action and proaction to survive. From the media I have acquired an idea of what it means to be beautiful, and that this is a key to success. I also noticed that when I use my sexual energy I get more recognition from men and women. Most importantly, I knew how to play the game living in a world of Patriarchy, and I felt safe.
Still something didn’t feel right.
The motorbike accident that has disabled me for months was my first doorway into exiting modern culture. Being left without mobility and life energy I was not a valuable player in the modern culture game anymore, and I observed the patriarchal structure I was in. I was looking inside the well-established well-ran prison. I was looking at wounded men scared to lose their power around women and other men, and I was looking at adaptable women and I felt angry, I didn’t know who was who with all the masks on. Wishing for a healthy body and aliveness, I hated the patriarchal values glorified around me: career, money, mortgage.
The truth is I was looking at myself through all the people. I resented my contribution to modern culture: adaptiveness, manipulative strategies, my values that would fit into the patriarchal society. My post-accident depressive recovery has brought me to make the first step towards exiting patriarchy. I quit the matrix for something else I didn’t know what, but not this.
Years later I came to realize that I extracted myself from the patriarchal structure, but I didn’t extract patriarchy out of me. Starting my own process of reclaiming my anger, I was looking at my survival strategies as a woman in modern culture, playing the game of seduction and dominance with men and other women in the Patriarchy, just to be in the game. I felt scared to face all the ways I have learnt how to manipulate and adapt, and how I supported men and women to be patriarchs. I wanted to take off my skin immediately, to tear it off with my fingers.
I cried over killing my true feminine qualities in order to survive and ‘succeed’ in modern culture, when I stopped trusting my wisdom, observations and emotions, and joined the game of patriarchy. When I learnt to value intellect and action over my natural gifts of creation, feeling and intuition.
And then I raged full power. The women/men initiation at the last lab finally cracked the box I was hiding my anger in against the patriarchy. For the weeks to come I couldn’t stop raging. And I hated men, and I had a thousand reasons for that. I took revenge on men, the revenge was for the pain of all the women present and the past. I purged a lot of rage feeling the suffering of our female ancestors. There was a lot of sadness too.
Through a self-initiated healing process of expressing pure anger against the patriarchy I felt a shift. I went into the forest, and I yelled, and screamed, and roared, standing on my all fours by the river, giving birth to the new power. It was a shift from hatred to empowerment.
I felt ready to go beyond the war I have been creating. I could feel the pain brought upon all the women and myself in all my bodies, and I was ready to use it to help me move past it.
I am walking the path now. I mostly know what I am walking away from, while taking a stand for co-creating the next culture where women can stand together with men and co-create. I no longer want to keep men down taking in my revenge. I want us to do it together, heal the pain we brought upon each other, and really collaborate, empower, create! How can we help each other to step into the new world where we can wildly love each other for the initiated adult masculine and feminine we can bring into Earth? How can we love Gaia together?
And I am taking a stand for being an Adult woman, as I continue my healing. I navigate through feelings and emotions, I give room to my impulses, I listen to my intuition, I feel my own seasons and I surrender to them, I speak to Gaia and I ask for help, I pay attention to the signs and symbols and synchronicities. I honor these qualities about being a woman.
And I speak about it bringing empowerment to the expression of our feminine, as I am scared to be burned to the stake. But I am no longer pretending that I am not Gaia’s daughter and I don’t feel her through me.
I am healing my relationship with men, by loving them, and empowering them to stand by women. I am healing my patterns of wanting to take revenge on men and humiliate them. Instead I am practicing awareness of my old habits and not walking away from conversations that feel deeply patriarchal and hurtful to women, I stay and use my conscious anger to love them, and shift the spaces into a space of discovery, transformation and healing. I am taking a stand for creating extraordinary spaces to create the next culture conversations, to help men shift from Patriarchy by loving them.
I am healing my relationship with women, and I am creating spaces where radical relating can happen, and where we can share our wounds of hurting each other in the past. I am remembering true sisterhood.
I am taking a stand for my sisters to come into the full force of their power and creation, unite and hold each other. I am holding space for women to re-ignite their sacred Anger, come into their power through exiting the Patriarchy and reclaiming their voice and authority. I do it together with them.
I am a woman, a witch, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a medicine woman, a wild woman. I take a stand for life, for the alchemy of feminine and masculine, for love and connection and creation. I am taking others with me to co-create the new culture we all are craving for.